A Letter to my Father.

Dear Charles, A lot has happened in the year since you’ve left. Mostly I think about what life would be like if you weren’t gone and realize how much time I took for granted while you still were. I got a tattoo of you in March and I know you never loved that I had tattoos, but I think even you would appreciate this one. I turned 30 this year and I had the best birthday of my life. If you had been here, it would’ve been perfect. I got surgery on my leg because you constantly told me to take care of myself. I took mom out to see Engelbert and she told me it was the first time she could remember being happy in a long time. While I’ve been having some great moments, I have more dark days than I’d like to admit. This year, I fell into the worst depression I’ve ever had. It has been a struggle to maintain some sense of normalcy and I wonder if I will ever actually be okay again. Last month, I forgot you were gone and thought to call you, but then it hit me that I couldn’t and it felt like ice. I have a hard time remembering simple things and I forget a lot, too. Today has been one whole year since you’ve been gone. I wondered how I would make it through a year, but I know that if you could talk to me right now, you’d tell me I’m a fool because I have let my sadness stop me from living. In The Dark Knight, Alfred reminds Bruce to endure and that’s what I have to do, even if I don’t want to. You always told me to live and adventure. We can get more of everything except time and I know you always wanted me to make the most of mine. In your memory, I swear I’m going to. Where are you, dad? I wish you were here to eat all of the candy we’d collect that we didn’t want aka all of mine that had nuts, but this is the first of many reunions on this day, in some way, each and every year. Come visit me tonight when the veil between the two worlds blurs. My eyes and heart are open to you. Happy Halloween, Dadalooie.

One Year Ago.

Exactly one year ago today, my life changed. My dad, completely jaundiced, stopped delaying his trip to the hospital and went only to find he wasn’t able to leave and further testing was required. He went to the hospital in Adrian late on the 6^th and they transported him to University of Michigan at 3 am. Before he left, they told him it wasn’t good. I felt like I was standing so firmly, only to have the ground open up beneath me and swallow me whole. My family descended into the darkness and the unknown to fight a battle we ultimately never stood a chance against, but damn it, did we fight. We fought HARD. I don’t think I’ve ever tried so hard to do anything in my life.

I have Time Hop and my “memories” come up on facebook. I realized that I will be reliving all of the emotions I felt and seeing all of the updates I posted as this year unfolds and I am feeling a lot of emotions about it. On one hand, I do not want to see it. I don’t want to read it. I almost want to forget it even happened, but on the other, it gives me a chance to see my dad regularly. His photos and videos will show up. I wish I could stick my head into those moments and tell him, “Hey! You don’t have a lot of time, but I want you to stop acting like you’re going to die tomorrow! You have 6 months, let’s get out there and do something with it!”

But I  can’t.

A couple of weeks ago, I was laying in bed and out of no where started thinking about my dad’s feet. They were long and skinny; almost skeletal looking even in good health. My dad’s toenails were always too long. He stepped on a nail in his youth and still has the dent from where it went in on the bottom of his foot, but as I laid there thinking about them, I started crying so hard. I don’t have a picture of his feet. I will never see those feet again. Those feet only exist in my memory and that is a very overwhelming feeling. I wish I had photographed every thing that seemed mundane to me. I wish I could see his feet again.

When all of this was happening, I remember feeling like I was in a whirlwind constantly. There was a lot of uncertainty. We were on an emotional rollercoaster. After my dad passed, I felt like the entire world changed and seemed different, but it took me a little too long to realize that it wasn’t the world at all; it was me. I had changed. I have changed and I don’t think I can ever be the same person I was. The colors in this world seem a bit muted after the loss of someone so profound to me. I cry a little bit more. I have experienced a loss and lived through something I never thought would actually happen to me.

So, today begins reliving the same journey as one year ago, but this time, I know the outcome. I know when the journey ends and I’m not looking forward to it, but this time, I will do my best to honor and celebrate that loss and not let the darkness consume me. I have to believe he died on Halloween so he could come back because everyone knows the spirits cross over that day. This time, I will be ready.

For those of you that don’t know, Matt got me the greatest birthday gift of all: a portrait of my dad done by one of the best portrait artists in the world: Bob Tyrrell. It took 11 hours, but I don’t regret a second of it. Now he is with me again forever.

My dad.

Its been almost 4 months since my dad has died and somehow it feels like a day and a lifetime simultaneously. I sound like a broken record when I say that, but it is still not real to me. I still can't process it. I still find myself unable to think about it or else everything gets blurry. When will it ever start to feel real? When do I stop feeling nothing?

I have a friend in France named Elsa. She has kept me grounded through this experience. She also lost her father. She sends me long, thoughtful messages that I take too long to reply to. In one of them, she told me I should consider drawing my dad because it helped her a lot. She would spend several hours just focusing on the details. She said she thought it would help in dealing with intense moments of sadness. I thought it was a great idea, but couldn't bring myself to be creative.

Over the past couple weeks, I have been working at this drawing. Very slowly, I have been focusing on the details and scrutinizing every shape and shadow in my dad's face. Last night, I finished it. I haven't felt such a sense of pride in a very long time. I stared at his face and it felt alive. I wanted to show him the completed portrait to hear him tell me how proud of me he was. I wanted to know what kind of comment he would leave on it when he saw it posted on my blog, but then the harsh, cold reality hit me that he is gone. The realization hits me like an icy wave that takes my breath away and then I am stuck holding a book and staring at a face that I will no longer see again.

Elsa sent me another message and said: the life around you seems to keep going on the same way it used to, but for you it's so utterly different, so you sort of expect the world to be different too, but it isn't. People keep going to work, they still grocery shop, they drive cars; the same TV programs my father used to love are still on TV. It's like the world ended to you, so you expect other things to end, but it just goes on and will continue to do so. It's like the world has absolutely no consideration for the sadness it has caused you, and you are helpless.

My mom called me last weekend and told me she read a bunch of my blog entries and she was laughing. She told me I should get back into writing and drawing again. I did a painting of Jim Leyland in college that my dad loved that I never documented. She said I should repaint him again. This is me taking small steps in that direction.

With Matt Benyo's help with the watercolor background, I created this as a tribute to my dad and his love for the Tigers. It's no Jim Leyland, Mom, but I think it will mean a little more because it's Charles.

So, tonight I am thinking about my dad and his crooked nose and uneven teeth. I am thinking about how he loved a good, well done steak. I am thinking about him whenever I walk past the Donut Shop coffee K cups in the grocery store. I think of him when I walk past the peanuts because he loved them. He is intrinsically linked to so much of my everyday life that there's not a moment he isn't on my mind, but that isn't a bad thing. The best way to keep someone alive is to remember them.

Love and miss you always, Dad. Please, click to enlarge the image below to see it in its full glory.

Graduation Day!

Yesterday was Brother Chan's graduation. He's the final Kirchoff to graduate from high school and it's bittersweet. When your siblings are still in high school, you don't think it'll end, but now Brother Chan is done and there's no going back. We're all adult(ish) now. When the graduation song started and Brother Chan rounded the corner, I got teary-eyed. He has grown up so much. I'm excited and sad he is going off to college in the fall. I am going to miss him so much. Chan, you have made me proud. Now, onto the photos! The first is of me with my old teacher, Solak. I had THE BIGGEST crush on him (and still do). I gave him a HUGE hug when I saw him. Then I saw my Real Steel comrade, Tara, and I was SO EXCITED to see her I nearly knocked her over when I hugged her. For some reason, I'm doing a monster paw. #gaga. Following that, Brother Chan poses with Janine and Charles and we conclude this memoir with a family photo. Congratulations, Chan. I love you.

Grilled Cheese, Anyone?

Thats right, the chef is back in town. Janine bought the essentials and I'm back in my element. I planned on making them today, but Charles surprised me by making RIBS and I turned into a straight up CARNIVORE. Charles placed the slab in front of me and I started tearing it apart with my hands and dunking the meat into a bowl of BBQ sauce. By the end, I had sauce all over my face, hands, and shirt. So, tomorrow I will keep it CLEAN and HUMAN by making grilled cheeses for the kids.

Birthday Wind-Down.

I am so tired right now. My birthday was fantastic. Here is how I looked:I woke up early, received a package in the mail from Rhiannon, went to the mall to get some shirts, met up for slurpees with an ex-friend, went for pizza with the Cappello brothers, received a cake and nice gifts from Alex, went to Back Door for MORE pizza, went to the Melting Pot for dessert, got a nice purple V-Neck from American Apparel, spent the evening with Sister Shelby at Leo's, Jeremy and Alicia stopped by and Alicia got me an awesome little Katy Perry set of nail polishes, and now I am home! Here is a picture of Charles presenting me with RIBS from the grill smothered in BBQ sauce as he has two bones in his mouth serving as TUSKS:Here is a picture of the multi-tiered cake Alex made for me. It is FUNFETTI and has some lyrics from Lady Gaga's hit, Born This Way, on top that say: "Rejoice and love yourself today, because baby you were born this way!" I was SO EXCITED!I also received nice cards from Rhiannon, Alex, Alicia, Shelby, and my parents. I was so excited. I really do love cards. I was also policing my facebook all day and I wanted to thank everyone that wrote on my wall/liked my status AND major thanks to those of you that took the time to leave me a blog comment! Thanks for making me feel special throughout the day! Art to come tomorrow!

The Dentist.

"I can't eat that popcorn." [said popcorn was Drizzled Cinnamon Sugar Kettlecorn]

"Why?" Janine asked. "It's too sweet. I can't chew it with the right side of my mouth because it hits my tooth and sends chills down my spine." Charles laughed, "You need to go to the dentist." I didn't even hesitate when I said no. "Oh, you will." Charles continued. "I don't think so. I'm not 7." I protested. "We'll just have them put you in a straight jacket like they did that time you were 3." Janine said.

UHHHHH WHAT?

From an early age, I've hated doctors. I also hate pain. When I was 11, I went to get a shot and it took 4 people to hold down each of my flailing limbs while the 5th injected me. I digress, but it's important to understand that before I tell you this.

The dentist was Dr. Santoro and according to Janine, I used to LOVE going to him because he had toys everywhere (this was obviously a clever ploy on his part). Prior to my appointment, my parents told him that I didn't like the dentist so he gave them a drug to give to me in an effort to make it easier on all parties involved. On the way there, I was woozy, drooling, and lolling my head from side to side; think David after the Dentist. However, as soon as they arrived, I shot straight up and it was as if they gave me nothing. I guess I was SO incorrigible, Dr. Santoro PUT ME IN A STRAIGHT JACKET. I said, "Why didn't they just give me the gas?!" Janine told me they did. So, recap, I was drugged, gassed, and put into a straight jacket when I was 3 years old by a maniac. It's not like I'm a rhino; those measures were unnecessary. Is the reason I don't remember this story because I was so young or because I blocked it from my memory? I don't know, but thanks for traumatizing me at an early age, Janine & Charles! This is the sort of way you'd handle a Chucky doll; not me. It's no wonder I hate doctors. I think my tooth feels FINE now that I think about it.I used a nib and ink to do this! Click to enlarge!

Locked Out.

I thought the bad things for today were over. I pulled an all nighter and this morning spoke with Rhiannon. I told her I was going to go on adventures having assumed I got my daily dose of disaster out of the way with the Walmart incident that occurred at previously (thus ensuring my safety for the rest of the day). WRONG. I headed to Value World. Value World is like the Salvation Army, but it's cheaper. I pull in, turn the car off, open the door, lock it, and slam that baby shut. I start walking towards the doors and feel for the keys. I knew I did it before I even looked; I locked the keys in the car. I had planned on whiling away the hours casually browsing for hidden second hand gems, but instead I would spend the next 45 minutes trying to figure out how to unlock the lock in the car. #miz. I went inside and stole a giant hanger. The window was cracked wide enough that I could fit 2 fingers in, but the hanger wasn't long enough. I went back inside, explained my situation, and was presented with a wire hanger. I untwisted it and turned into MacGuyver as I made a make-shift hook thing. I relentlessly tried unlocking the lock. No luck. I was laughing at my horrible luck, on the verge of tears, and once again, a raging cajun. I called home, Janine laughed, and told me we didn't have a spare. I hung up. I kept trying. The cold stung my face as a black lady watched with judgmental eyes. I came up with the idea to tie the wire around the big hanger and lower it in when a stranger approached:
Guy: Do you need some help?
Me: I don't know if there's anything you can do that I haven't already done.
Guy: Does this have automatic locks?
Me: -I just stare at the window-
Guy: Hello? Is this your car?
Me: Oh. Yeah. Yeah, they're automatic. I think.
The guy maneuvers the wire hanger into the car and instead of going for the lock on the inside that I was trying to lift, he went for the unlock BUTTON that unlocks the actual lock that is too heavy to be lifted by some stupid wire. He had the car unlocked in 5 seconds. I stood there and just started laughing hysterically as I realized how stupid I looked. I hadn't even thought to try to hit the button that locks and unlocks the car. He said, "My name's Mike. What's your name?" I said, "Chelsea!" inbetween fits of laughter. "Well, Chelsea, you look cold. Next time, you won't need to rig two wires." He opened my door for me, let me get in, closed it, and told me to have a nice day. I thanked him and watched him leave. Before he left, we both waved at each other and I smiled the biggest smile ever. I couldn't help but think that Mike was some sort of angel. I read this book about the kindness of strangers, but rarely witness such things. Here are some sketches of the incident. When I got home, I told my family the story and Charles blatantly asked me if I was "effing retarded" and everyone laughed as they additionally recalled my humiliation last night. As a result, I'm not leaving the house for the next few days. #blameiton2011.

Walmart Wreckage.

2011 has been weird and not very nice to me. I asked Janine for her charge card so I could buy some items from Walmart at 11:30 pm. I hate Walmart, but it's open 24 hours, which makes it convenient. I wrote the list on my hand and scoured the store. After an hour, I deemed my pursuit complete and made my way to the registers: only 2 open and Walmart was packed. I chose the slower line because I thought I would receive the least amount of hassle at the register; I had Janine's card and I didn't want them to not let me use it. "How you doing?" I asked the cashier as I unloaded my items. She rang everything up and a line of 3 people formed behind me. $27.90 "Do you want the gum with you?" I nodded, and put the gum in my pocket. "Is this gonna be credit or debit?" she inquired. "CREDIT!" I said, feeling victorious; she didn't ask to see my card or ID. Then, disaster struck. "Your card isn't working." Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. "It can't read the card." I looked back; 6 people stood behind me glaring and judging. In my head, I was hoping this wasn't really happening, but alas, it was. "Do you have another card on you?" She asked. Of course I didn't have another card on me. "Yeah, let me run out to the car and get it." I did the speedy shuffle, abandoned my goods, and booked it. I was a raging cajun. I reached into my pocket and realized I put the gum in there. I got home and explained to my parents what happened. The first thing Charles says is, "Did you return the stuff to the shelves?" (#isthisguyserious?) Turns out, the card had sufficient funds, but the strip wasn't readable in machines and the numbers had to be typed in, but NOPE, they didn't tell me this piece of KEY information and that lady didn't try it so my hour was wasted and my articles left in vain. Out of the whole ordeal, I left with a pack of gum and a lot less dignity. When all else fails, blame it on 2011. Suck it, new year.The title of this post was deemed as such by Zack Taylor.

Marty Stu.

Day 2; sans-comp. I found this Marty Stuart shirt at Value World. I brought it home, showed Janine & Charles, and told them I had no idea who he was, but it was the most awesomely bad shirt I'd ever seen. Charles promptly declared, "Your mother had a big crush on him back in the day." Yikes! I hope this same situation doesn't happen when I have kids and they bring home Jonas Brothers shirts as jokes.

Champion Charles.

As you may or may not know, Charles is my father and I bring him up from time to time on my blog. He makes it a point to comment on every post. Sometimes I won't hear from him for a week or so, then I'll sign into my email and have seven anonymous comments in caps lock. This is a signature Charles move; the caps lock anonymity. In the earlier days, he didn't caps lock his comments, but the rest are easily spotted. I'm busy getting a bunch of drawings together for a week's worth of drawing posts, but I wanted to take this opportunity to showcase a "best of", if you will, of his comments. Click to enlarge it. Hopefully they give you a good chuckle.This other comment is probably my favorite. Artist/blogger Tania commented and Charles followed her comment up with a retaliation of sorts. No offense, Tania! Charles isn't angry and doesn't mean it. He just tries really hard to be funny.

Charles vs Char-les.

After yesterday's post, I forced everyone in the house to look at it. One of those people, thought they would point out to me that CHARLES only has one syllable. This person bet me EVERYTHING I have that it only has one. Well, let's settle it. I say it has two; a family member says one. What do YOU think? Please VOTE!

A Sad Haiku.

My 1st pet was a parakeet. Charles removed him, I took the cage out and vacuumed. I feel like a part of my childhood died with the bird. Miz. It's okay if this makes you laugh because it's sad and funny... not that the bird died, but the haiku.

Night On The Town.

I am planning an epic adventure this summer. It's the Live to Party Tour 2010 or Hobofest 2010. I'm going to live it up on little to no funds on the east coast. I let my hair dry naturally to prepare myself for the summer and my bangs curled up like I put a roller in them. I woke up at 8 pm this evening because I stayed up til noon yesterday and the sun KILLED ME. I am BOTHERED by sunlight. Last night, I had a chat with Charles:
Charles: Your dreams are coming true.
Me: What are you talking about?
Charles: Because of that big earthquake, the earth's axis tilted and now the days are going to be shorter so it's going to be darker longer. It's on the front of AOL news.
Me: NO WAY! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
For the record, I went and looked and it didn't say that, but I'm not writing it off. So, in my sketchbook I painted this night scene with this little town. Night time is my favorite; specifically summer nights. Brother Chan was playing Animal Crossing and there was a meteor shower in the game and I wished I was there watching it. I hope to see a few shooting stars this summer. That'd be nice. Click to enlarge!My mom's neighbor when she was like, 7 or 8, told her that vitamins were MONSTER PILLS and if you ate them, they would keep the monsters away.

Crayons & Cat Naps.

I was catching up on gossip involving the JoBros and Joe Jonas admitted his love for acting along with this fact about himself: "When I was in first grade I did a play about being a crayon. I was yellow. It was pretty amazing. I was in an off-Broadway musical." Really Joe? Was that when you reached your acting peak? As a CRAYON? Here's little Joe (missing a tooth) as a yellow crayon even though he looks kind of elfish. That could be due to the fact that Christmas is in 6 days.I ate some cereal this morning out of a pink bowl which made me feel girlier than usual and I confessed to my father, Charles, that I felt like a used car and that my body was breaking down, but he thinks I'm just being dramatic. I'm not. He then proceeded to tell me I live like an animal and I need to get up early and sleep at night to which I said, "I WOKE UP AT 11 TODAY!" and he said, "Well did you stay up all day?" and I said, "No, I came home and took a nap". Charles scoffed and told me that was my problem, but au contraire, RESEARCH SHOWS THAT NAPS ARE GOOD FOR YOU. How about those apples, Charles?

Curb Your Enthusiasm!

Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of my favorite shows of all time. It's hilarious. Larry David is a comedic genius. I hope you all agree. I wanted to give a shout out to BRYAN DURREN because I know he loves Larry David.In other news, THANK YOU ALL FOR THE POSITIVE FEEDBACK INVOLVING THE JONAS BROTHERS PORTRAITS! It's so wonderful to hear such good things on something that I worked so hard on. I am not a portrait artist at all so it made my entire night coming home to all of the comments and messages regarding the post. THANK YOU X 10382010384! Speaking of, today's the birth of Kevin Jonas. He's 22!

My good friend, Nikki DeSautelle, was inspired by my continuous blog updates and says she's going to start doing the same. Stop by her blog!

I've got some other great advice to add from Inside the Business of Illustration (the book) and my dad has recently figured out how to navigate to my blog so HI DAD.